Friday, November 7, 2008

No Mention of Our Marriage

Why is it when you are dating anyone can ask you about how it is going with you and your boyfriend or girlfriend, even when you have been dating for years. Your friend, sister, neighbor, co-worker, and even the person at the check out stand feels comfortable to inquire. But the day you get married, it is a closed subject. Oh, someone might ask if the newlyweds are sharing or if there has been any disagreements on how each squeezes the toothpaste from the top or the end, hangs the toilet paper roll from hanging over or under, or put silverware facing up or down in the dishwasher. Then even that enlightening conversation dies after the first couple months.

Why is the topic of our marriage off limits? Is it because we are too embarrassed for someone to find out how it is really going? Do we think no one goes through the same thing or that maybe someone would think less of us if they knew the real story? Or, do we all just think it's nobody's business - it's a personal matter of course? If we have it all together, if we can do it alone, why is divorce so prevalent?

Speaking of divorce, does it seem that when a friend or family member announces that they are getting a divorce it comes completely out of the blue? The declaration might catch us by surprise, because, frankly, we had no idea it had gotten that hopeless.

If it is said that it takes a village to raise a child, why do we limit our marriage to just our spouse and ourselves. Can we really carry on our marriage alone? Yes, we might seek professional counsel, but do we ever seek the support from the people around us? Now, I'm not saying the co-worker or the person at the check-out stand, I'm talking about our very close friends and possibly our family members.

Now as my husband has said, "a marriage is either growing or dieing." Let's support one another in our matrimony. We are not alone in this long journey of marriage - marriage sees not only a wedding day, but also maybe the birth of a child or children, the gain or loss of jobs, a relocation, growing old, sickness, and well our full-life stages. We change, but lets support and encourage our married friends to continue to grow together and not allow change to pull us apart. We all need each other, and we are not alone in the life experience of marriage.

How do you and your spouse keep your marriage growing or how do you encourage your married friends in their growth?


  1. One of my married friends make a point of getting up from the computer or stopping what they do and go over and greet each other with a kiss when the other comes home. They also make sure to say "I Love You," before they leave.

  2. Awesome article Sharon:)

    I have an amazing group of married couples who all vowed to keep each other accountable in our marriages and to always be there for each other. It really is so amazing being able to humbly tell someone what your going through knowing that you're going to get loving but honest direction, never having to fear rejection.

    We CANT do it alone!

  3. To be honest, I think the husband makes the marriage work. Or, maybe that's just in my marriage?! :) Don't get me wrong, it takes 2. And we definitely have to be teammates in life.

    But, the reason I think the husband makes it work is because he has the power to set the tone of the marriage... he can provide the leadership and strength that I feel most woman need and are desiring. My husband shows me so much love and adoration, I can't help but respect him and want to serve him. I kinda think you have to have the attitude of making the other person feel more loved than you???

    I also agree with TrieOwen. Accountability.

    And Faith in God-- creator of Marriage.

  4. This is soooo true. It's almost a forbidden question. As much as you may feel it's forbidden, it's also important. My sister had been married for 9 yrs before I got married and when we swaped stories of certain situations, she was amazed that other couples went through the same issues! 9 yrs and she had no idea!!! It's healthy for us to know that we're not the only ones who go through such similar situations. We need to be able to bounce ideas off one another about how we handle these situations; we need to be able to laugh about them; we need to be able to resolve them and friends are the best medicine to seeing a tough situation from an 'outside' perspective! Let's start asking the tough question of, "How are you and your spouse?" Way to hit it on the nail Sharon!

  5. In my experience, with my friends and family...Topics of "How are you?" "How are things with you and __________ (fill in your significant other's name) are a regular conversation and inquiry. I have a core group of friends (under #10)with whom I can honestly reply to... Now it's not that they are the only ones that I can be honest with... They are the ones who I share my feelings and thoughts with and I know that they will not pass judgement, jump to conclusions or "pick sides" in my dilemma or issues.It's not that I think it's off limits for discussion. It is more of a respect issue towards my husband and our relationship. I never discuss anything with any one that I wouldn't discuss with the person I am having a particular feeling (bad or good) towards. Nor would I discuss it in a manner that would embarrass them or be hurtful to them. It is also not a matter of holding back on how I really feel. But more of WHEN the question is posed... how am I feeling in that moment. I would say 95 percent the time I have nothing but admiration, love, like, desire and anticipation to see & be with my husband... the other 5 percent of the time he is very aware of any "hiccup"in our communication and he outwardly says, "if you ever feel like you need to sound off any one please don't hestitate to call so-and so...." He calls me "Mary Sunshine" cuz I rarely have a bad thing to say. It's genuine. I don't sweat the small stuff. I always have faith that things will work out the way it is meant to be as long as I make smart thoughtful choices and I always try to see things from both vantage points...I think my family and friends know I am upfront and that they will get an honest answer from me... If they don't it may be that they haven't asked. You can ask me anything! M'lu