Trying To Grow Older Gracefully - Part II

Continuing on from the last post, it is difficult to accept that we are aging, but, wow, there are just some things I just wouldn't want to go back and relearn. Here is the rest of the article I had written back in 2007.

Looking ahead I do have a list, but looking back I have realized I have “come a long way, baby.” I am thankful for all those years behind me. There are some things I have learned through my thirties, and yet I wouldn’t go back and I don’t want to relearn them. That is when going forward seemed a viable and appealing option. I came up with a list of lessons I have learned.

What I Have Learned Through The Years:

• Value Friendships – It is easy to web ourselves into the cocoon of family and work. There is plenty to keep one busy, carting the kids to and fro to their extra curricular events, school programs, as well as running errands, working late, trying to find care for kids when working late, fitting in vacation time, trying to get alone time with husband, working on house projects, or just trying to catch up on laundry. Who has time for friends? Although one can be very busy with all that goes into raising a family and juggling work, one can get very lonely. We all need friends. Now maybe you see people on a regular basis or you do have casual friends, but I’m talking going deeper into your relationship. Sharing yourself and being faithful to others. Friends add a new perspective to what we are going through and often can relate to incidents in our lives. Over time I have learned I need good and intimate friends, and I have also learned they are not easy to come by. But if you find a person who is willing to reciprocate your friendship, do what ever is necessary to keep that friendship alive which might involve some creative solutions. Call your friend while dropping your kids off at school or use a head phone to talk to her while folding clothes. Send a quick e-mail to see how her day went, the meeting she led or how she is doing after her root canal. Meet at a café after the kids go to bed while your husband catches up on the latest sports game. Of course there are always those periods in our lives where you or your friend are unusually busy, maybe taking on a new project at work or an extra class, or maybe your child just signed up for baseball. So being understanding and available is essential, and the benefits of a faithful friend reaps many rewards. Go further in your relationships.

• More Confident – I am finally wearing high heel shoes. I’m on the tall side and I have taken great pains in not being any taller than I had to with the endless search for shoes with absolutely no heel. I was sure all my problems were due to my height or my big hair. My only wish was to have one inch taken off my legs and my hair to go straight. Even on my wedding day I flipped off my shoes under my dress so I wouldn’t be too much taller than everyone as I greeted them. I had it down with the leaning of one leg and shifting my body to appear shorter. In the last two years I now stand up tall and wear heels. My husband and I were invited to a black tie event and I bought some sparkling, black high-heeled shoes. This year I bought some brown boots with a good size heel that I clomp around in. I don’t know what my problem was, but even my husband, who is as tall as I am, just loves it when I wear heels. Maybe his confidence in himself has rubbed off a little on me. I also finally figured out how to style my big, wavy hair. I used to blow dry it straight and take an iron to smooth it out almost everyday even while my kids were young. But forget that. No more of that time waster. With a good cut, I have the wash and wear look. I can get ready faster in the morning with out worrying about not having the latest hairstyle. The best part about growing older is that my husband says he finds me sexier than when he first met me, more “womanly.” Reminds me of the Ponds advertisement … What people think of how I look matters less to me now. I have even realized that if I feel good about myself I can stand up more confidently.

• Changed Image of Success – I finally realize that having a career isn’t what brings me status or value. Sometimes we calculate success by what we own or the amount on our paycheck. I’ve had big dreams since high school of being a big time career woman with my own office and many people under my management. My career goals haven’t all come into fruition, and now that I am almost 40 and a career is a long way from my reach, my definition of success has changed. My career and paycheck does not calculate status or define my value, but communicating love and helping my children feel more confident today does give me fulfillment. My source of income comes in a little differently and working part time for somebody else wasn’t my plan, but it works perfectly with where I am today.

• Enjoy My Kids today and not wait until tomorrow. When my eldest child was born I anticipated every stage; when he would raise his head, sit up, stand crawl, walk or any other milestone. When the suggested month of this occurrence came and went, I would worry what was wrong with his growth. Thus, his first year was taken up in a tornado manner and it robbed me the pleasure and enjoyment of just him and his own process of development. I didn’t want to base someone else’s timeline on my second son and consciously decided I was going to do everything possible to enjoy the process and value everyday with him. My year was completely different with my second child. I so much enjoyed each accomplishment instead of just checking it off the list. Now that they are in school, I try not to compare where they are with others, but to encourage them to do their very best.

• Keep My Marriage Alive – My husband and I are approaching our tenth {twelfth}anniversary. In a day and age when divorce is prevalent, we have come to realize why so many struggle. We have experienced it first hand: it’sits hard work. Basically it is so difficult to communicate, to agree, to spend time together and thus, to keep our marriage alive. If we postpone taking care of our relationship until after the kids grow up, then we have neglected a very important objective: keeping our kids emotionally healthy. Just like a muscle in our body needs constant exercise or it will atrophy, so is a marriage without constant attention. Without giving our relationship top priority, anything can tear it apart. My husband and I realized that if we don’t spend time together from occasional date nights to just lingering after dinner to talk; or are in constant communication and continue intimacy we are not as strong together and we discover we are not united to handle life problems. We have fallen into periods of steady conflict with each other and consequently our kids argue more and are challenged at school. Our relationship is important and we are in effort of spending time together and committed to communicate while putting our marriage before our jobs and even our kids. We want to do everything possible to keep our marriage alive today and not wait for tomorrow and avoid just living on the memories of yesterday. Neither money, a new job, nor a big promotion is worth neglecting our relationship.

• Keep Focused on a Goal - So, every time I plan to go back to my career post, the years keep adding up and I keep getting older and farther away from my career goals. But honestly, my goals have changed. My new priority is my children and it may take a very long time to reach my career goal, and I’m slowly becoming okay with that. Living today to the fullest is a great reward, but if I lose sight of my goal, today is not as wonderful. Over time I have come to realize that if I don’t have a goal to work for in life, I become lethargic and unmotivated at doing my work or enjoying the here and now without the motivation of something I am working for in life.

• Forgive – The older I get the more I have reflected on how I have been wronged. If I don’t forgive, the longer I carry a heavy burden of anger or thoughts of revenge. Time does heal and forgiveness takes a burden off our shoulders and allows us to see outside of our anger. It is better to forgive and move on with life.

Over time I have come to realize that our age doesn’t determine who we are or where we should be in life. I have also resolved not to let age determine my place in life. Our age doesn’t stop us from doing what we love or keep us from getting better or more competitive. Okay, girls, Bonnie Raitt is 56, and yet she is still singing and winning Grammy’s. How about Chiva Rivera? She should be an inspiration to us all. After she played Maria in the West Side Story, she has been in Broadway shows ever since. Last winter she had her own Broadway show and she closed down the house every night. She sings and dances and looks fabulous. Her legs are shapelier than I could ever dream of having. Gals, she is 73 years old. No, I did not accidentally invert these numbers; she is really seventy three. She is a true inspiration. Age shouldn’t stop us from living and aspiring to our dreams.

What have you learned over the years that you are glad you don't have to go back and relearn?

Trying to Grow Old Gracefully

My List of Things to Do Before I Turn One Year Older!

1. Take care of my health - It is easy to forget yourself with two children. They come into this world with so many things to learn and many demands, and they grow so fast that time is not tangible. You can’t capture time, you can’t slow it down, it just disappears during those early years as a mother giving birth and raising two children. Through the midst of those wonderful years: changing diapers; making baby food; going to the park, swim class, soccer practice; taking them to preschool and then kindergarten; making sure the screen door is locked; the cupboards are stocked; and the laundry is done, it is easy to forget oneself. It was years since I had been to the dentist, but my kids go regularly. Somehow I run outside with no sun protection, but I made sure my kids have spf 45 smothered all over their bodies. When I stepped on the scales I discovered I had gained 11 pounds in one year. How did that happen? My mind was so focused on serving the family that I forgot to take care of myself. There was no time to wait. These phone calls to the doctors to set up appointments and my exercise schedule were necessary to my health.

2. Visit New York - Since 1991 I have wanted to go to New York. Living in San Diego was supposed to be temporary and I was going to be a big time career woman living in New York someday. But now over a decade has come and gone, and I still live on the west coast taking care of my kids and working part time. No career and no New York lifestyle. It was also so un-American to not have seen the city that dictates our fashion, produces talk shows and movies, a place where romance blooms, and theater abounds. Living here in America not having gone to New York was like living in France and never visiting Paris, or in England and never venturing to London. I was also sure I had the makeup to live there in the city and that New York life was just for me. I’ve wanted to find out. Maybe, just maybe, I will discover that living here is right where I need to be.

3. Get a Tattoo – Yes, you read that correctly. Get a Tattoo. Not a big one. I just envision a small one on my lower back. But if I am going to get one it MUST be in the next twelve months. Anybody who has a story to tell of the artwork on their body includes that they got it while they were young and maybe not thinking rationally. Maybe you know someone who marked up their body when they were older, but they don’t have much of a story to tell. Have you seen the printed anti-theft advertisement for a national bank with an elderly woman sitting peacefully in a chair in this room filled with colorful drawings and a young artist drawing a dragon on her arm? The ad is saying how odd that an older women is getting a tattoo. It must mean that someone stole her credit card and the bank can quickly identify irregular spending. Well, I might also be getting a call from my credit card company reporting that someone stole my card because the young person on the other end of the line can not comprehend a forty-year-old getting a tattoo. I think I will pay with cash.

4. Learn how to drive a stick shift – It is way past time that I learn. When I was sixteen, my father took me out in this little, blue car to teach me how to drive stick shift. “You feel it in your butt,” he kept saying indicating when to change gears. “You feel it in your butt.” I honestly couldn’t feel anything in my butt except the car’s engine shut off. He got so frustrated with me he never brought the subject up again. My girlfriends in college took me to a parking lot to teach me how to drive stick. I didn’t learn a thing. Later, a co-worker took me in front of where we work and tried to teach me. Nothing. My husband now owns a little, green stick-shift car that I can’t even back out of the driveway to save my life. It has become so impractical not to know how to drive a stick. I’ve had several opportunities to learn, but never caught on. My goodness, even sixteen year olds are driving stick shifts around why can’t I learn? I’m determined to try again.

5. Get my first pedicure – Yes, it’s true. I have never had a pedicure, and I certainly have needed one for a long time. I’ve prettied my toe nails myself for this long and have made due. I just thought it would be fun to have a pedicure, and it just seemed odd to me to wait and have a first pedicure when I was in my forties. It seems like something someone would do for the first time as a young adult. It was just last year that I colored my hair for the first time, and by the way, I love it. I’ve never had a wax job, and frankly I’m okay without it. I have no intentions of putting that one on my list.

6. Start back on my career – When I quit my job after the birth of my second child, I had every intention to go back to work full-time and pick up where I left off. I didn’t quite achieve my career goals before leaving and was very determined to do whatever I needed to accomplish them when I returned to the workforce. I left my job four years ago, and I picked up a part-time job a year later just to keep my foot in the career door (and help pay off some of our bills). But every time I plan for the date to launch my future career and start back on full-time employment, the date keeps getting pushed back, so I finally resolved I needed to make a plan before I was 40. The more I considered a career move the more I questioned how I would do it: Who will pick up my preschooler from class or my older son from school located across town? Who will do my grocery shopping and clean my house and make the dinners every week day? I know women out there who do it all, but I’m not so sure I’m ready. Time is ticking and I need to set some goals towards my career.

7. Get Published – if you are reading this article in a published venue, that means I can scratch this one off my list. I’ve been writing stories since I was a child, then I wrote a lot of articles for my job and then I just never got around to finishing any of the numerous stories I had already started much less took efforts to get published. It was about time that I finally complete an article and see if anyone was interested in reading it. I will be so relieved to finally cross this one off the list.

What is the urgency in checking these items off the list? What is the rush? We can moan that we have too many wrinkles for our age or that we don’t have as much money that we hoped for or we haven’t advanced in our careers as anticipated or that we can’t run the block as many times around as before, or we can look about us and be thankful for the lessons that we have learned over time, and we can take this opportunity to love and embrace the people around us. I choose to live life today and live victoriously. ~ Excerpt from an article I wrote in 2007.

Since I have written the above article, my friend took me to get a pedicure (and have never had one since - and I don't color my hair any more) and another friend took me to get a tattoo the day before my birthday. I was published in a paper (for one year) soon after and I still don't know how to drive a stick shift. And most of all, I don't feel the need to get back into the career I started even though I currently work full-time hours). Now I just want to write and be available for my kids.

What is on your list of (one or more) things to do before you grow one to five year(s) older or even before the end of your decade?

The Day I Realized I Wasn't So Young Anymore

It was only two summers ago that I tasted the revered and aspired feeling of adulthood in ones “youthful years.” It was a significant moment, but I was curious why I wasn’t struck with the notion several years ago, because, my goodness, I was already in my late thirties when it happened. I’m sure some people are struck by the notion earlier in their adult life and maybe I should have felt all grown up when I received my first salaried paycheck out of college, or when I got married, or when I had my first child, or my second for that matter, or when my husband and I bought our first condo. No it wasn’t any of those life milestones that awakened me to that fact I really was a grown adult and now required to be responsible and calculating. That moment was when we bought our first car together.

I had driven around my two-door, dark, green car for ten years. I bought it a month before I met my then future husband and drove it around while a single and eligible gal and then as a girl who had a boyfriend. We drove away in it to our first night as a married couple. It was our only car for several years and my husband and I carpooled in it for five years until his job took him too far away for carpooling convenience. I had one baby car seat and not too long later a car seat and a booster in the back and managed to get around the two-door, flip the front seat forward, bend around the car, peer in at my child, and perform the “pull out child” acrobatic move; a back-breaking job. After ten years and 120,000 miles and a six and three-year-old, it was time to sell it. We drove our car to the dealership. It coughed and moaned as we drove up, and we knew that not even the dealership wanted to take the car. The breaks squeaked; the back light was out; the front light was out; the night light in the odometer was out. The seats were stained. The window shield had a crack in it that plunged from the top to the bottom of the glass. We had taped the radio to the dash board so it wouldn’t pop out, but had to give it pressure with our fingers to hear any music. After years of parking under the direct sun, the outside paint job had a blotchy undetermined color. When we performed our final cleaning-out car ritual before handing the keys to the salesmen, we were repulsed with a terrible odor. We pulled the baby car and booster seats out and something dripped all over the back seat. It was something so unidentifiable in appearance and the smell was so retched we had to turn away. It was years of neglect. It was years of use and daily living. It was all of the kids’ juice and food spillage combined into one terrible stench. We turned from our ten-year old dumpy car and handed the key over, relieved to finally get rid of it and turned to the new one.

Our new car was flawless and it was all ours, bought with our hard earned cash. We slid into the leather seats, listened to at least fifty different radio stations, rotated our six CD changer, and the biggest event was opening the back doors to let our children climb into their seats. We drove home finally feeling like adults. That was the moment. Our run-down car had reminded us of our youth. Driving out in a brand new car, all shiny and smelling of new leather with our two kids in the back and our names on the pink sheets. This is what it felt like to be an adult. Or was it?

What significant moment made you realize you were an adult?